You don’t think you might have had Monkey Butt – you KNOW you’ve had Monkey Butt…

Words: DRD Photo: Troy Baker

On researching this article, it is clear to me that I have an exceptional ass. Plenty of lovely ladies have told me this so it must be true, but I’m not into boasting – it’s just I can honestly say, hand on cheek, I’ve have never suffered Monkey Butt, and nor do I want to.

This is a genuine condition for a number of athletes, how about that, motorcycling is a form of athleticism! Has to be, because we’re the ones who are quite happy to talk about this condition, probably more so than other ‘athletes’, runners, horsey people, gym junkies and many more besides.

Or is that because motorcyclists are all of low brow humour and openly belly laugh rather than snicker when we read anything with ‘Butt’ in the title?

Whatever, all humour aside – nahh, it’s gonna keep on coming – Monkey Butt is actually a medically correct technical term, eclipsed only by ‘chafing’ – more accurate, but nowhere near as much fun.

What is Monkey Butt, and how do we get it?

It’s a condition which has a number of contributing factors, mostly to do with sweat, lack of air flow, fibre abrasion and lack of blood circulation (for motorcyclists anyway).

The result of some or all of these contributors, is a rash, similar to that which causes babies to cry a bit and grown-ups to umm, cry a lot more.

Babies – thankfully – don’t talk too much about nappy rash, whereas grown-ups will, and after the worst is over, will bang on about Monkey Butt like it’s some masochistically-induced badge of honour.

Monkey Butt is the wound of the silent ASS-assin.

As you might expect with an injury attributable to friction, you probably won’t know you are nurturing a Monkey Butt until it is way too late.

Most find out about it in the shower, when water strikes the afflicted area resulting apparently, in shrieks, screams and general sounds of murder and mayhem.

Likened to being hit with a crossbow bolt to the bum, a snake chomp to the cheek, the effect of water cascading down onto a raw ass crack afflicted with Monkey Butt, has been compared to an acid bath for your arse, and therefore, best avoided.

Prevent that pain!

Prevention is worth an ounce of cure, and there are a number of preventives available, along with age-old advice from those in the know.

The most commonly recognised combination of commercial MB protectant is corn starch and calamine – and as both of these can be hideously messy on their own, put them together and I would imagine the resultant mess in your undies is going to be epic. The most prominent company markets a product called anti-monkey butt powder, but whether you can get it here or not, I haven’t checked.

You can also get a female-friendly version as well, which does not contain talc (apparently, talc is bad for lady parts) and has a pleasant fragrance.

Oh, come on, I don’t need this stuff, so even if I was to demonstrate the highest level of journalistic integrity, I am NOT going to a chemist and ask for it unnecessarily. Even journos have their dignity!

If MB is a problem for you, you go ask the chemist about it.

Chances are, you will probably be directed to a number of nappy rash products like Sudocrem and Bepanthen which work as a sort of tag team. Bepanthen is generally regarded as the preventive (apply before riding) Sudocrem the soother after the fact.

But it may be that Monkey Butt – while being a great topic of discussion at the pub by those who claim to have endured it – may actually require remedy in your case, so we have done some homework for you:

Treating the Pain

For those who don’t want to go shopping for anti-monkey butt powder, there are some other products which could be possible cures.

It is unlikely that WD-40 will help you here, but before you suit up for your next ride, you could try Vaseline, anti-perspirants, even marital lubrication gels on the afflicted area – make sure you check the label first, if for no other reason than to avoid grabbing the Deep Heat by mistake.

You could alternatively try Aloe Vera gel – a cure-all for just about everything, so no worries about being specific when you buy it, and apparently Coconut oil can bring effective relief too.

Here’s an interesting one: put two cups of oatmeal powder in a lukewarm bath and soak in it for about 30 minutes. Add brown sugar and you’ve got breakfast in the bath if you’re short on time…

A light Olive oil rub after a bath or shower, or a 1 to 3-part baking soda/water combo may be used, though you want to get that baking soda off the skin quickly – five minutes is all you’ll need.

Optional Equipment

You should also check out your riding wardrobe if MB is a problem. Cotton undies should be outlawed, a moisture wicking fabric will work out a lot better for you.

Stay away from Rayon, tencel, viscose and bamboo, unless you want to be savaged by a hungry Panda.

A good quality pair of compression shorts is the recommendation for longer rides, as long as the fit is correct. Make sure they have flat seams and don’t be tempted to keep wearing them day after day in place of regular jocks, as this can give you other problems.

Boxers – while good for walking and suchlike activities – and going Commando are definitely not options for motorcyclists just in case you were thinking of swinging freely…